Goodbye, Beautiful.

it's finally hitting me and i'm breaking down. i've held my feelings in for too long. now i'm crying it all out. i don't know why. i understand that i am better than all this, but the pain has set and the nostalgia is kicking in... my heart has literally broken in two. no words can mend, it's beyond repair. it just finally hit me that it was all a lie. i have no idea how to cope and move on. i'm confused to the point where every thought is like a million words filled with anger, hate, and revenge. i'm shaken and my confidence is broken. every word of reassurance is like another stab to the heart and my eyes are seeing all of my flaws.


yet i know that i'm strong. i know this is merely something to learn from. i know that this shouldn't get me down. i know what i'm worth and i know what i can handle. it all just took me by surprise in an unexpected way. yes, i'm shaken. yes, i'm hurt. yes, my heart is not in the best condition. but i know now that it's time i stop being so forgiving. no more second chances. no more false hope. time to toughen up and make room for someone new.

To my g-frannnd!

You, my dear, are the only boy that has stayed constant in my life since we met. [minus ross.] hahaha! you asked me to make you smile. i have no idea how to do that.
shiet. so i decided to dedicate a blog entry to you. i know. "rhio. you are bakla."
bahahaha!
thanks. i love you too jojo.
i honestly do. i dont know what i would do if you weren't here to keep me company. i'd probably be dead because you wouldn't be there to remind me to eat. or majorly depressed because i wouldn't have anyone to give me HONEST advice.
so i just wanted to thank you and REMIND you that you are the GREATEST [gayest] friend that i have ever had. these past two years have been filled with perverted/random/grotesque/orgasmic conversations that i pray will continue until we become old pruney FOBs that look like ninja turtles! OH YEAH!!! freaking shmexshey!
me looooove you lonnng time!
FO SHIZZLE mahal.

hope this makes you smile.
:D

Cause I sit on my roof and
I count up all the stars
From where I am, to
Exactly where you are
And every night finds
Me looking at the sky
Always thinking about
This boy that makes me smile

What It Means To Be Happy.

There was no sky that night, no borders for heaven or hell. No stars, no moon, just an empty canvas of grey with a silhouette of nostalgia and regret. The scent of wet pavement and diesel fuel filled the air, frigid gusts of wind scratch through thick winter coats as if they were able to make themselves warm in the cotton threads. The streetlights flicker in sync with the rhythm of the raindrops hitting the pavement. A stray dog sniffs and paws through the garbage in search of a meal that would alleviate his hunger. Dead brown leaves fall lifelessly from their branches, floating, not a clue to where they will land. The neon signs of the liquor store come on with a repulsive glow that burns irises. A group of men stand outside the liquor store door, drowning themselves in their misery disguised in alcohol. A small child sticks out her innocent hand and patiently waits for a raindrop to tap her palm, success. She smiles ever so slightly, full of satisfaction.
Through an unwashed window, the sight of teenagers conversing at a local coffee shop, they speak with bitter torment on their tongues as a deprived youth. The sound of sluggish cars honking at the nonchalant j-walker crossing the middle of the rode drives the construction workers crazy.
Couples walk by hand in hand while the lonely misfit glares with disgust and takes a grudge filled drag of his cigarette. He begins to reminisce, the memories come flooding back and the pain sets in. With a sigh he bids his emotion fatigue farewell. While staring at the ground, he spoke, not a word came out. He screamed, but there was no sound. Defeated and discouraged, he told himself, “Every night is a plane crash, every battle with God I have lost.”

Do i?

Has it really gotten to that point?

To the point of empty conversations and meaningless words?

That night was a lie covered by nostalgia & regret.

Do i give it another shot?

Do i take a risk and put my heart on the line again?

I'm fading into a translucent dream of confusion & hope.