i'm going down, down in an earlier round, my dears.
today was a hard day.
i never knew i could cry that much.
i haven't been to church in the looooooooooooongest time...
confession. i never appreciated it until today.
my conscience is cleared, yay!
[but not by the hail marys and the our fathers i had to say after confession, but by the fact that i got to let everything out that i've kept in for so long.]
but my problems are still here... taunting me.
i have two major problems that are plucking my pubes in broad fucking daylight.
[btw. just an expression. you'll learn to accept my grotesque terminology.]
dearest readers, please don't judge me.
problem number one.
COLLEGE. that's all i have to say...
problem number two.
my home life.
my mother and i have switched roles.
she can only handle so much. it's my turn to be her backbone.
today i had to kick out my step father.
every day is filled with raw, red eyes, a new bruise, and another stab to the heart.
i was already neglected by my first father.
now i have to turn my back on my second one.
poor ross. my little brother is going through everything that i went through...
all the false hope, all the broken promises, depression, physical and emotional pain, and confussion.
no child should go through what i've been through.
to all you genuine asshole who think it may not seem like much and it may seem like other kids have worse problems than i do, i have two words for you...
FUCK YOU.
you're not in my situation.
but if you've gone through way worse or you're not one to judge, you have my sympathy/gratitude and that "fuck you" was not directed at you.
i no longer know how to manage everything.
i need to step it up.
changing my name to cinderella.
the cinderella before the prince charming and the dream come true.
i'm now all about the cleaning, cooking, laundry, dishes, oh! and being the official family chauffeur...
i need to figure out how to balance all the chores with school work and studying, my friends, my family time, my volunteer time, and my boyfriend? no. is that where we are at now? ideffingk.
2008 was so simple.
at the stroke of midnight...
i said hello to 2009 and goodbye to the good life.
don't get me wrong. this year has been filled with some of the best moments of my life.
but out of all 17 years of my existence... this year has been by FARRRR the hardest for me.
but i guess we all need to suck it up and simply move on... right?
He's everything I want and more.
He's everything I want for sure.
He's everything that I want and to adore.
Well, baby, I am overly attracted
And terribly convinced that he could be my lover,
But I think I lost my chance.
You had me at first glance.
everybody has these challenges in life, except some have it worse than others and some handle it easier. i KNOW you've been through the roughest childhood, and if it wasn't for that, you probably wouldn't be the strong woman you are, making these decisions like setting aside the good life to keep your family, to protect your little brother from going through the most hurting, uncomprehending life that YOU had to go through. that's the most loving, caring thing a person can do...except taking a life for someone. it will probably be the toughest year, my little recluse, but as EVERYONE says..."you'll get through it." of course you will, anyone can get through it, they can live through 2009 but fall hard blinded & breakdown in the end, or they can walk 2009 with God, leading the path to strength and life, then ending with a strong goodbye to 2009. you'll get through it, with God, if you just let Him. He will lead you through these troubles & wipe away your tears, depression, false hope, broken promises, physical/emotion pain, all this bringing you down. those times crying, thinking "nobody lives the way i live, nobody understands me, everyone's living their life and me, i'm just trying to do my best for my family and my future", yep, he knows, no not your boyfriend or all those boys that swooped you off your feet,tickled your fancy, not that one guy who you once trusted, who spinned your world around, you know that tall, handsome, guy that you long to have? yeah he's with you. :) God's with you, and He will lead you through this toughest year, the falling tears, allllllll this depression. He's leading the way to the light right now, if Only you would just Learn to Listen and Follow Him.
ReplyDeleteI break down over my family too, every moment I think of my dad, the world stops and tears just fall for 7439284732984 reasons. I know for me to overcome this, I have to step up with my faith, because his faith is killing me, and his miserable life is killing me as well. Like you, I try to help him out with cooking, dishes, even saying goodbye to the goodlife, making excuses to skip social gatherings (reason why i was a recluse over the summer) and such b/c he has too much to handle, and nobody appreciates how much work he's putting down for this family, how much he's sacrificing for me & denny, and it kills me now because he's sick because of this.
I have so much to tell you.
why we were so distant.
How much I've changed this summer.
maybe it's because i havn't seen you...bahahhaa i kid :DDD
but on the serious note, i'm praying for you, everyday, and I hope as you say goodbye to the goodlife, you will say hello to the light which God is providing you.
You need a wakeup call, i sure had mine, and maybe that one church day of yours was it? Maybe there's more for you to realize? Wake up sunshine! He's ALWAYS there for you when you need Him! No other guy can give you comfort like Him. Open your eyes rhio.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. (Proverbs 3:5-6)
love you, my royal bff :)
rischae. love of my life.
ReplyDeleteno words can ever express how dear you are to me.
my BEST friend, my soul sister, i love you with all of my heart. your words of wisdom has helped me so much. you were right that one day i spent with god helped me so much. BUT there is only so much faith and prayer can do. faith is 95%. the other 5% is on you. my 5% is being filled with love like yours from friends, my mom, ross, and a very special boy that i KNOW for a fact that his intentions are only to help me through my rough time. i've learned that i don't need the boy. i need the MAN. the only MAN. JESUS CHRIST. i've found him. well. not really found him. i just remembered him. he's been knocking at the door to my heart and i barely opened it recently. i miss confirmation. so much. it was my constant reminder to "let go and let god." without confirmation. i drifted. slowly. but i did. now that i'm back on track. i'm ready to fight my depression. i'm ready to step up my game. i'm ready to overcome all obstacles that come my way. but i will need some help along the way. for my little stumbles and trips. i'm BEYOND blessed to know that i not only have GOD, but i also have YOU, and all the people who love and care for me. thank you rischae. for reminding me why i am so blessed and how much i needed god, you devoted christian, you. :D
i love you with all of my heart. royal bff. :]
we must catch up. let's meet up at a boba/coffee shop and get all of our problems solved, tears wiped away, and consciences cleared.
and as for your dad and your family. i pray for each and every one of you daily. as a matter of fact. before every class period as well. :]
take care of yourself.
i love you IT.
xoxo,
THING.